The term is called “deal breaker”.
We’ve all experienced rejection some time in our lives, no matter how charming, beautiful, charismatic etc we are as a person. Some tend to get bitter about it while others have mastered the ability to just move along. I happen to fall in between the two categories. I can move on but I do get bitter about it for lengthy periods of time.
Why is this so?
Because I’m harder on myself than anyone. I over analyse things in my head and it doesn’t help I share practically everything with my parents. Being good parents, they tend to blame their children instead of outsiders so yeah.. total blame party when rejection happens, especially when it comes from a potential suitor.
All it took was one salty Aunty to make me realise this.
We all have dealbreakers.
Honestly there was only one rejection I found bitter and I only went out with that person once. I guess the bitterness stemmed from anxiety and just one major faux pas after another. Plus he probably thought in the midst of all that ” that’s it. This is the deal breaker right here.”
So let’s go back to aforesaid salty Aunty.
Today we had some sort of sending off event for my baby Brother who will be sailing off next Tuesday. My Father invited all our relatives to pray for his safety and well being. I approached Aunty A(non-salty), who prior to this, had introduced me to her husband’s colleague whom she thought was suited with me.
I thought so too at the time. He was nothing short of a great guy. He’s above average looking. Tall. And was ready to settle down. I on the other, just got out of a messy end to my relationship and the idea of settling down just bummed me out. I thought we could just be friends.
But I was aware of the fact that family is involved in this matter and it would be even messier if I drop the bomb that I have no plans of settling down anytime soon. Plus smth about him was just amiss. There were occasions when I just felt that ” that’s it. This is the deal breaker right here”. And another one. And another one.
When I told Aunty A, she told me to end the “friendship” since I have no intention of marrying him and I’ll just be wasting his time. So I did. But I think she perceived it to be “ruthless” considering I just blocked him on all telecommunication channels and just move on.
It was easy for me because I was in major pain no one understood about. (no one cared about). People were just so angry that I was still in pain. It’s okay if you don’t understand my trauma. But it’s not okay to force love down anyone just because you acted as an intermediary. Needless to say, it was messy and I felt like I’ve gotten my retribution. What goes around comes around guys.
Back to the time I approached my non salty aunt yesterday, I asked how he’s doing. She was telling me that salty aunt B thought he was good looking. I laughed and said I’ve never said he was not. But looks alone won’t get a man or a woman on the altar. Because there’s a whole life to live beyond that one day charade of king and queen. And despite his looks and his great manners, there were just a few deal breakers that I can’t look pass.
Salty Aunty B suddenly came to join our conversation and she was like ” eh let’s intro Farah to… (she stopped in her tracks)… don’t want lah… later she reject him”
And I just went 😳
But that kind of hit me. Because i’ve been feeling extremely bitter about that one damn person who never even give me a chance for a second date and just “ghosted”. (That’s the term “millennials” use these days) So back at home I did my own self-reflection.
Why did I cut my losses early with that guy non salty Aunty introduced?
Because I don’t have the ability to give him the love he deserved . I thought a good guy like him should be with someone who is as good, if not greater. It’s just not me. It won’t be fair to him if I had continued the relationship because he’d be spending the next decade of his life trying to convince me that he’s worthy of my love but I just can’t. Not because he’s not good looking (he is). I just can’t look pass the deal breakers. Please don’t confuse flaws with deal breakers. They’re two separate things altogether.
So that taught me one thing. I can feel sad about not being “accepted” (rejected) but I must not feel dejected. Because people have their deal breakers.
And so do I.